One of the barriers that we often encounter with our ISD patients, and that you probably noticed in our description of Barbara and Dan’s persist-resist battles and most certainly in the caustic crossfire between Frank and Liz, is too much anger. There is a good chance that this barrier is operating in your relationship if:
• Your attempts at communication quickly lead to knockdown, drag-out fights with a lot of yelling, screaming, criticizing, or even throwing things.
• The angry feelings you or your partner express are out of control or an overreaction to the situation at hand.
• Bitter, hurtful arguments are repeated time and time again but never seem to resolve the problems that lead to them.
• Resentful, hurt, and angry feelings linger long after the argument itself ends.
• One partner’s passive anger blocks communication. More difficult to identify than the explosive fury we just described, quiet anger takes the form of withdrawal, “forgetting,” coldness, being subtly uncooperative or blatantly doing the exact opposite of what is asked, walking away from a conversation, or otherwise creating a silence that cannot be broken. Howard, for instance, acted out his anger in this way each time he made light of Judy’s concerns, did a chore in what she called a “half-assed” manner, or completely ignored what she was saying to him.
Regardless of the form it takes, if you and your partner cannot get beyond your anger, you will not be able to solve your sexual problem—and on some level you will not want to. You may have to work through the relationship problems—perhaps with the help of a psychotherapist—before you can tackle the sexual ones.
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Plant breeders are creating new hybrids of evening primrose plants by means of carefully controlled hand cross-pollination of the best available plants.
Each parent plant selected for hybridization carries some of the target characteristics of the ideal variety. This process takes years of observing closely to see how each new hybrid performs and carefully measuring the oil yield after the cross-pollination.
When a new hybrid is produced that looks promising, it must be reproduced and multiplied for several generations before anyone can be sure that a stable new variety which gives consistent oil yields of a high quality has been produced.
With plants grown for their seeds, the new hybrid had to be a crop which could germinate more quickly and evenly than the wild types. In its wild state, germination is unreliable. In fact, the evening primrose plant has many unsuitable characteristics in its wild state. Some of the wild evening primroses can shoot up, or ‘bolt up, too early and be cut down by the winter frosts or else fail to grow quickly enough in the spring and produce no seed. So another requirement with a hybrid was to develop a plant in which the tall stems bearing the flowers, and later the seed pods, should start to grow neither too early, nor too late.
The aim of the plant breeders has been to produce a hybrid with the most consistent yield of GLA. At the moment the GLA content in the oil of the hybrids is around 9%. This is the oil composition on which almost all the human research has been performed.
The highest yield of GLA comes when the seeds are mature. Another weakness of the wild plant is that the flowers of the evening primrose bloom in succession over a period of two or three months. Seed pods form each day, which means that a single plant could well be carrying some mature pods, unripe pods, freshly opened flowers, and even immature flower buds. So plant breeders who have been working on the evening primrose hybrids have been aiming for plants carrying the maximum number of mature pods at a given time for the best possible seed yields and the highest GLA content in the oil. In its wild state, the evening primrose yields an oil which varies greatly in quality and the amount of GLA is hopelessly inconsistent, some types giving far too little to be effective. So it has only been by a rigorous plant breeding programme that a few new varieties have been developed which have all the characteristics needed for a seed oil crop and which give a consistently reliable high quality GLA yield of around 9%.
Completely new varieties of evening primrose have been specifically bred by Efamol and that company has been granted Plant Breeders’ Rights – the equivalent of a plant patent – in the UK and the USA.
Now, new hybrids of evening primrose are being grown in various parts of Britain, in Spain, Hungary, the USA, and other parts of the world. When farmers want to diversify, and move into more unusual crops than wheat or corn, they are choosing the evening primrose.
A bonus for farmers is that the rate of multiplication of the evening primrose is very high – one kilo of seed multiplies into 1000 kilos for the farmer. But then it takes 5000 of the tiny seeds to make just one capsule of evening primrose oil!
Quality control
A uniform seed is used, and farmers are advised on how to get the best results from the evening primrose crop. Batches of seed are routinely analyzed to make sure no contaminants have got in, and that the GLA content conforms to the specification.
The oil is routinely analyzed and checked, and similar stringent checking goes on during the extraction and encapsulation processes, to make sure of a pure, high quality yield with exactly the same amount of oil in each capsule.
Evening primrose oil is maintained in the same state as it occurs naturally in the seeds: clear, pale yellow, natural oil with no additives, colouring or other processing. It is sold mostly in clear gelatin capsules, and the only thing that is added in some brands is Vitamin E, which prevents oxidation of the oil.
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Glucosamine sulfate is one of the best-documented alternative treatments for osteoarthritis and is widely used in Europe. Double-blind studies involving a total of over 1,116 people have found that it can reduce pain and improve mobility. There is reason to believe it may be chondroprotective, but no direct proof as yet exists. The proper dose is 500 mg 3 times daily. Glucosamine is nontoxic and causes very few side effects other than occasional digestive distress. Pain relief usually begins in 2 to 4 weeks and reaches maximum effect in 8 weeks.
Chondroitin sulfate is also widely used in Europe for the treatment of osteoarthritis. Controlled studies involving a total of over 450 participants have found that it can reduce pain and improve mobility. There is also evidence that chondroitin sulfate may slow the progression of the disease. The proper dose of chondroitin sulfate is 400 mg 2 to 3 times daily. Chondroitin appears to be very nontoxic and seldom causes any side effects other than occasional mild stomach upset. Generally, it is sold combined with glucosamine.
According to double-blind studies involving more than 1,000 people, S-adenosylmethionine (SAMe) can reduce the symptoms of osteoarthritis as effectively as low doses of anti-inflammatory medications. It may also protect cartilage from damage, although this has not been proven. The usual dose of SAMe is 400 mg 3 times daily. Once symptoms improve (usually at about 4 weeks), the dose can be reduced. A maintenance dose of as low as 200 mg per day may ultimately suffice. SAMe appears to be a very nontoxic substance, but some people develop digestive upset if they take the full dose all at once. To avoid this problem, some experts recommend starting at 400 mg a day, and then working up.
According to 12 double-blind placebo-controlled studies involving a total of over 500 participants, fish oil can reduce symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis. However, fish oil is not known to modify the course of rheumatoid arthritis like some standard medications. A typical dose is 6 capsules (1 g each) of fish oil daily. Fish oil takes as long as 6 to 12 weeks for the full effect to be noticed. It may not be safe to combine fish oil with blood thinners such as warfarin (Coumadin) and heparin.
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Situations arise right throughout life that we react to instantaneously and sometimes think later … ‘Why did I say that?’ Most of these reflex reactions have their origins in our own childhoods and show just how much the attitudes from our early training can stick.
One of the common dilemmas for parents comes up when they see their children handling their genitals and it can be hard to know how best to deal with it. Sure, some children are never seen doing this. On the other hand there’s the exceptional case where it seems to be an obsession, but for the most part self-exploration can be seen as a normal activity, even for babies. As they explore their bodies they discover that touching their genital area feels good. Unfortunately some parents don’t know how to handle the situation. I suppose calling it a ‘situation’ at all is probably blowing it out of proportion in the first place. Because of their own upbringing, their own fears and embarrassment, they may even see it as a punishable offence. Less than a century ago, parents sent their children to bed in metal mittens or strapped into straitjackets. They tied their legs together or wrapped them from the waist down in cold, wet sheets. Little boys’ penises were placed in spike-lined metal tubes to discourage erections and heavy punishments meted out for touching the goods. For decades children were threatened with, ‘Don’t touch, you’ll go blind or mad!’
No wonder we are left with a few hangups!
Spare a thought for all those poor young lads of previous generations who were told they needed glasses and blamed themselves because they believed the warnings. Now let’s think about the effects of punishing a child for the offence of touching their own genital area.
Melissa is thirty-five, and has two children. Although she felt loved and was close to her parents, she never felt comfortable talking to them about anything to do with sex.
One afternoon when her son James was about three, she found him lying face down on the floor with his hands underneath his groin. At first she thought he had fallen asleep, but he was rocking rhythmically back and forth and was quite hot and sweaty. It was then that she realized what he was doing.
Although looking back now she can’t explain her reaction, she felt immediately embarrassed and angry. Melissa picked him up off the floor, smacked his hand and said, a little too loudly, that only dirty boys did that sort of thing and that if anyone saw him doing it at kindy he wouldn’t be allowed to go back, and he wouldn’t see his friends anymore. Well, there were the predictable tears. How did it all look from James’ point of view? There he was, minding his own business and feeling pretty relaxed when suddenly he is wrenched up to his feet and Mummy is shouting at him that he’s done something very wrong, very naughty; but he can’t understand why. This doesn’t happen when he does anything else that feels nice. If this situation is repeated a few times, he learns, ‘This feeling makes Mum yell and hurt me so I won’t do it anymore. Well, not while she’s around anyway.’ Even though he may continue, he becomes anxious and furtive, and quite likely guilty about it.
Punishing boys for masturbation is rarely successful. The penis is right there, they have to hold it many times a day when they go to the toilet, it rises to greet the dawn, and it feels good when they touch or rub it. There’s no escaping its prominence in the life of any male. There’s an old joke that goes along the lines of ‘ninety percent of men have masturbated and the other ten percent lie.’ Punishment doesn’t make the penis any less sensitive or any less interesting. What punishment achieves is furtiveness. ‘Let’s get this over with before I get sprung.’ Experts have linked this early ‘aversion therapy’ with later premature ejaculation and excessive sexual inhibitions.
With girls, you will most likely succeed in stopping them from touching their genitals. Hidden away from view and easy reach, a girl who is punished for touching her genitals is quite likely to stop. But what sort of triumph is this? Is it a Pyrrhic victory? Research has shown that women who never masturbated prior to having a sexual relationship have more difficulty with sexual responsiveness and orgasm with a partner.
If a child learns to link sexual pleasure with punishment, it leads to a logical thought progression. Thinking of a feeling of sexual pleasure as ‘wrong’ leads to a reaction of guilt whenever that sensation arises. That guilt shows itself as anxiety in sexual situations.
Let’s just think for a moment what would happen if we were just to ignore the whole thing. By the time they get to school age many children will masturbate quite regularly, but by this stage they have usually learnt through observation of other people that it is a private and personal matter, and will wait until they are on their own. Again, this is considered to be a normal part of a child’s development.
However, some children will need to have it spelt out with a distraction or a gentle reminder from time to time, if they continue to masturbate in public. By avoiding a big confrontation, they will escape that sense of anxiety or guilt that so many people have focused on their sexual organs, psychologically separating those parts from the rest of the body.
Sex therapists not only approve of masturbation as a normal activity, but use it as a form of therapy for sexual problems like premature ejaculation in men and failure to orgasm and sexual disinterest or inhibition in women.
On an even more serious level, if a child is trained to ignore their sexual organs, they don’t become familiar with what is normal for them. As adults, they will take longer to report sexual health problems and delay treatment.
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One of the first sexual decisions for boys is made for them at birth by their parents. Although it’s much less common these days, most parents still go through the motions of deciding whether to modify their sons’ sexual apparatus by circumcision. Boys are born with a hood of skin called the foreskin, covering the glans (knob) of the penis. Circumcision is a surgical procedure where this foreskin is cut off. Although there is no accepted medical reason to do it, parents have all sorts of motives for deciding to have this done. For followers of the Jewish faith, it is a non-negotiable issue. They see it as a physical mark of dedication to the service of God, and as such it is considered a religious rite rather than a medical procedure. As a family doctor I am occasionally asked for my opinion. Now aside from religious reasons, I tell parents ‘If it’s not broken, it doesn’t need fixing.’ In addition, the foreskin is loaded with sexual sensory nerve endings, so it is impossible to tell what difference that could make to his sex life.
Because the groundswell of medical opinion is now firmly against routine circumcision, some parents like to explain to me why they decided to go ahead with the operation; not that I think anyone needs to justify it after the fact. Some want their sons to look like their fathers, to have a set of matched penises in the family. Unfortunately, it’s going to be a long time before that little thing is going to look the slightest bit like Dad’s, and by then it’s not likely to be an issue. Some parents are worried that if the father is circumcized, he won’t know how to look after his boy’s foreskin, or teach him later how to maintain it himself. Certainly an uncircumcized penis does need a little more attention than a circumcized one, but it’s simple enough. In small boys, the foreskin is actually attached to the glans beneath. It can be tempting to pull the foreskin back before it’s ready, but this is not necessary. As a general rule of thumb, a foreskin is ready to be pulled back when a boy discovers he can do it himself. This usually happens by the time he is three or four years old. After that, he just needs to be taught to pull it right back and clean under it every day, just as you would teach him to wash behind his ears or brush his teeth. Of course there will be some foreskins that need to be removed at some stage because they are too tight or have become infected, but if we accepted that logic as a reason for routine circumcision, we would also take out everyone’s appendix and gall bladder at birth just in case something goes wrong there too.
You may have heard that recent evidence has suggested that the incidence of cancer of the penis, AIDS and urinary tract infection in males is slightly higher in the uncircumcized group. Taking a closer look, these findings are open to question, and the current opinion is that the results don’t justify recommending the operation.
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If your child can see things clearly close up but distant objects seem blurred, it is likely that he is short-sighted.
Cause
Short-sightedness is due to the length of the eyeball from front to back being greater than usual. This interferes with the way light is reflected from the back of the eye, distorting the image transferred to the brain. Short-sightedness can run in families. Contrary to popular belief, reading a great deal does not cause shortsightedness.
Clinical features
Short-sightedness tends to become worse as the child approaches adolescence. You may notice that your child always sits very close to the television, or holds a book very close to his eyes while reading. If he sits at the back of the class, he may complain that he has trouble reading what is written on the blackboard.
Treatment
Children with short-sightedness invariably need to wear glasses. These are prescribed after a thorough eye test and need to be checked every year, as vision tends to change as the child grows. Adolescents may prefer to wear contact lenses.
When to see your doctor
If you suspect that your child is short-sighted, see your doctor who will refer him to an eye specialist for tests. If your child is having learning difficulties, it is a good idea to get his eyes checked.
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I don’t plan on letting any guy have it unless he is really special. I might give it to a guy if he shows he loves me, but not just because he wants it. They lie anyway, and they will say they love you. You have to be sure before you give it to them.
You make it sound as though intercourse is a gift. It is really something you do with someone else for joy, closeness, and love in a| relationship that you think will last a very long time. It’s for you, too, not just your lover. Intercourse is an exchange of feelings emotionally and physically, something for both people to enjoy. It is n0t a thing you give to someone, it is a process of life you share with someone. Doing it for someone is not intercourse, it’s just “course.” The “inter” part of intercourse is what is important, and that means together, between. You can’t tell you love someone by whether or not you have had intercourse with them and you shouldn’t hold intercourse out as something to be earned. You will only end up being hurt, because when the boy thinks he has to earn it, he won’t be thinking of you, he’ll be thinking of it. He might try to make making love a goal, and then the lies and manipulation start.
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I knew I would pay for it. I masturbated when I was a kid and I continued it into marriage. Now I just don’t enjoy sex. This is my punishment, I guess.
HUSBAND
This man guesses wrong. Masturbation cannot cause any trouble for anyone unless it is engaged in against one’s own moral sanctions. It is an excellent educational opportunity, can lead to intense orgasms and a degree of psychasms through imagery, and is one way to develop sexual comfort and sexual self-esteem.
One problem, though, is that men tend to masturbate incorrectly. They try to get it done quickly, and their posture, technique, process, timing, and stimulation are all wrong. It does not train them for interaction with a partner but rather to “get off” or to “get rid of tension.” For men and women, masturbation offers an excellent opportunity for learning about the body, but may end up teaching a lesson of guilt, hurriedness, and secretiveness about sex.
The fact is that masturbation is separate from other forms of sexual behavior. It is not something that is done because you don’t have a partner, because you can’t find a partner, or because it must be done to be “good at sex.” It is not something that means that sex with your partner is not as good as it should be. Masturbation is one form of sexual stimulation, and if it is an option chosen with comfort and a sense of self-enhancement, it is generally helpful to sexuality in all areas of life. If you don’t masturbate, it means one thing: You don’t masturbate. It is not a sign of a hang-up or deficiency. It is no big deal unless we make it so. It probably gets too much good press and too much bad press, and it needs much more truth in advertising. It is a human sexual option.
Masturbation, or at least pleasurable self-exploration, can teach much about the F and R areas (and the G and Ñ areas in women). It can teach about the types of orgasm, about psychasms. But it teaches nothing but negative lessons if you feel badly about yourself for doing it.
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